Trials

I think back on the hardest things that I have gone through in my life, and while they may be small in comparison to other's struggles, they were still very hard for me.

Missionaries in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints go to a training center for the first space of their missions, the MTC (Missionary Training Center).  I entered with great excitement on my first day, a Wednesday at around 1pm.  I was to be there for three weeks before going to Philadelphia where I had been assigned to serve.  I was so excited to share my faith in Jesus Christ and help others to come to know Him better. I felt nothing could stop or deter me.  Little did I know what was in store.

Friday morning at around 6:15am, two loud cracks in a morning kickboxing class changed everything.  After lots of swelling and far to much walking, the x-rays were in! A com-minuted fracture of the fifth metatarsal, or in English I broke off some chunks of bone on the side of my foot.  Only me with my wonderful coordination skills could be so unlucky.

I was given crutches and a boot and sent out the door to have to traverse around a campus big enough for thousands of people at a time.  My room was on the fourth floor and my classroom on the third floor.  We went from many various buildings all throughout the day, with many, many stairs.  Needless to say after two days on crutches with no weight at all allowed on my foot, I was beyond exhausted in every way.  It’s not like I was body builder who could easily put all my weight on my arms all day long!

I lay in my bed that Saturday night sobbing.  I was stretched to the limit physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  I wanted so badly to be able to just do everything I needed to to finish my training there.  I didn’t want to be a burden to my companion (the person assigned to be my missionary partner who stays with you almost 24/7), I didn’t want to be falling asleep in all the classes that were preparing me to serve, and I just didn’t know how I could physically do everything I needed and wanted to do.  I was so overwhelmed by my lack of strength.  I could no longer do it!  No matter how hard I tried, I physically just did not have the strength.

It was at this moment when I felt so weak and lost that I finally cried in agony to God, my Heavenly Father, that I could not do it and he would have to do it for me.  I was giving it all to Him.  In one of the most sincere prayers I have ever uttered, I just asked to be able to make it across campus the next morning to my meeting with a smile on my face.  That was all.  At that moment when I finally decided to put in God’s hands what I could no longer handle, I found myself sobbing even harder.  No longer because of my pain, but because of the tender mercies of the Lord that I suddenly remembered.

In John 14:26 says:            

26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

I was suddenly crying because of the love I had been shown from those around me during this very hard time.  My companion and the other Sister missionaries in my district (missionaries grouped together in a class) were always there to help me, the Elders who would walk with me on the long, seemingly endless and slow trips from building to building and encourage me and try to make me laugh along the way.  The zone leader who seemed to magically appear every time I started to climb the steps and would immediately carry my backpack and anything else I needed to help lighten the burden.  I was surrounded by loving and generous people every where I went who truly acted as the Savior would.  I felt for the first time in the last 48 hours, the peace the only the Savior can bring because of the hands all around me that worked to represent Him.

27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

The next day I got up and I made it, slowly but surely and I smiled as I walked through the door!

From that moment on, things went up from there.  I got a scooter and only had to use the crutches on stairs.  I learned to allow others to help me.  (I really tried to get my own lunch tray and go all the way across the crowded cafeteria while holding it in one hand and directing the scooter with the other.  It was usually only seconds before someone took it out of my hands.  Luckily that stopped what was sure to be many disastrous messes on the floor. ) I LOVED the rest of my three weeks, even broken as I was.

I was sent home to recover after my training there ended and it was very hard for me to leave.  I wanted to stay.  I had done all that I wanted and needed to do to prepare myself to teach, just as I had hoped that hard Saturday night crying to myself, but I knew it was important to heal so I could continue and fulfill the calling to serve.

When I went home and was released from my calling as a missionary, I literally felt the strength I had used those three weeks to physically function leave my body.  I was sick, very sick.  The kind of crash that happens when you push and push and push and then your body just gives up for a while because you immune system has worn down past its limits.  It was during this time I found one of my favorite scriptures.

This is in the Book of Mormon in Alma 26: 11-12

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things…

I felt like I could have written those words!  I knew that I was weak and I felt it the first two days after breaking my foot while on crutches.  But then I felt the strength that the Lord literally gave me to stand, once I asked for His help.  Therefore I know that I am nothing and I will boast in my God.  I have dedicated these 18 months of my life to proclaim to the world that in his strength we CAN do all things.

While home recovering I sometimes forgot how much my Heavenly Father was helping me along.  I was sometimes angry that I was not where I wanted to be and I could be quite grumpy, but the Lord did not forget about me.

I remember the heartache when I felt I was healed and ready to go to Philadelphia to continue serving.  The plane ticket was bought, the suitcases almost packed.  I was doing everything I could to strengthen my leg so I could walk the required 6 miles a day before returning to the mission field.  I felt on top of the world, but then took one step to far.  With my stubborn determination I kept taking another step too far and then another.  I ended up going about a mile and a half beyond the limit of my body.  Every muscle in my leg that had atrophied from the lack of use when I was unable to put any weight on my foot suddenly tensed up and I was literally dragging my leg for most of that extra mile and a half.  I had done too much to soon.  The ticket was cancelled and many bitter tears were shed.  Why was I not able to do what I wanted?  I had been working so hard to do everything asked of me and my desire was only to serve the Lord.  So why was I being set back? I was frustrated and angry, but once again the Lord helped “bring all things to my remembrance."

I remembered a time from just a few weeks earlier on a Sunday morning.  I was very unhappy that particular day.  I felt stuck in Limbo.  I knew where I needed and wanted to be but was there at home with no real purpose but to sit there and heal.  I was sitting in the church building before the meeting started thinking about this and a girl from my congregation came and sat with me.  She was only 13 or 14 years old and was on crutches.  Doctors had broken her leg and then a large contraption was placed on it to stretch her muscles everyday so that her leg would lengthen to match the other leg.  She had been without the use of her leg for far longer than I had and had a much more painful experience as well.  She had a big smile on her face and we quickly named ourselves the cripple club.  Over the next while I found a lot of strength in talking with her and seeing her optimism when she was in such a worse condition than I.  It really gave me some perspective.  That very same day as I was driving home I heard a song on the radio that has come to be one of my favorites.

Blessings by Laura Story-

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

It is amazing how the Lord gives us what are called tender mercies.  He sends something our way to comfort or help us if we can recognize it is from Him.  Kind of a divine signature that he is leading us and has not forgotten us no matter who or where we are.  

I love music.  It was my major in college and I often learn and find great meaning in lyrics.  These lyrics were for me that day.  Laura Story wrote this about her experience with her husband getting brain cancer just after they were married.  And I think here I was worried about a tiny broken bone that would be healed soon.  It really puts your life in perspective. 

But here is the amazing part. . .

JESUS CHRIST DOES NOT CARE IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH CANCER OR BROKEN BONES OR JUST A TEST IN SCHOOL, WHETHER YOUR FAMILY STRUGGLES WITH SERIOUS ISSUES OR JUST SOMETHING SMALL, WHETHER YOU ARE STRESSED WITH TOO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE OR WORRIED ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND WORK TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO. HE STILL CARES ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOU.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!

In Alma 7: 11-12 it says about Jesus Christ

11And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to *succor his people according to their infirmities.

Christ suffered not only for our sins but also for our pains and sicknesses and worries.  He did this so that He could perfectly know us and so that He can perfectly help and support us.  He does know how you are feeling and what you are going through because He has felt it for you once before.  He is there to comfort and help all who will come to Him.

When Christ came to the American continent after He was resurrected He told the people in 3 Nephi 9:13-14-

13...will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?

14 Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.

So no matter the issue, the Savior is there.  All we have to do is invite Him to come and heal us.  He will turn no one away.  So here is my question for you, are you letting Him heal you and carry the burdens you have?

The gospel message we have to share as missionaries extends to all on the Earth.  Come and let Christ heal you.  Come and let Him carry your burdens and partake of the peace that only He brings.

*Succor- To run to and aid in time of need